Poor young man's heart
by Linn
Summary: This fic begins a few weeks after the "Here comes the son" episode. I suck at summaries. Rory's graduation hasn't happened yet. Read and you will se what goes round in Jess head and what he will do....
1. Default Chapter

Title: Poor young man's heart  
  
Author: Linn (linnrothen@hotmail.com)  
  
Website: www.geocities.com/roryjess2002  
  
Rating: G  
  
Category: Angst/Romance   
  
Paring: R/J  
  
Spoilers: "Say Goodnight, Gracie", "Here comes the son" and "Those are strings Pinocchio"  
  
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where.  
  
Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls, Rory and Jess belong to WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino.  
  
Authors note: English is not my first language, so spelling/grammar mistakes may occur.  
  
.Title from a song by Kristoffer Åström.  
  
Summary: This fic begins a few weeks after the "Here comes the son" episode. I suck at summaries. Rory's graduation hasn't happened yet. Read and you will se what goes round in Jess head and what he will do....  
  
"Alone  
  
Lying, thinking   
  
Last night  
  
How to find my soul a home  
  
Where water is not thirsty  
  
And bread loaf is not stone  
  
I came up with one thing.  
  
And I don't believe I'm wrong  
  
That nobody,   
  
But nobody  
  
Can make it out here alone.  
  
Alone, all alone  
  
Nobody, but nobody  
  
Can make it out here alone.  
  
There are some millionaires  
  
With money they can't use  
  
Their wives run around like banshees  
  
Their children sing the blues  
  
They've got expensive doctors  
  
To cure their heart of stone  
  
But nobody  
  
No, nobody  
  
Can make it out here alone  
  
Alone, all alone  
  
Nobody, but nobody  
  
Can make it out here alone.  
  
Now if you listen closely  
  
I'll tell you what I know  
  
Storm clouds are gathering  
  
The wind is gonna blow  
  
The race of man is suffering  
  
And I can hear the moan,  
  
'Cause nobody,  
  
But nobody  
  
Can make it out here alone  
  
Alone, all alone  
  
Nobody, but nobody  
  
Can make it out here alone."  
  
*Poem written by Maya Angelou.*  
  
*Night, Venice, CA*  
  
Jess is sitting on a swing at the beach, staring out at the black sea.   
  
Alone.  
  
I'm all alone.  
  
I have nothing  
  
Except a father that have nothing to offer me.  
  
And a mother who doesn't care if I'm alive or dead.  
  
A couple of weeks ago it felt like I had everything.  
  
A perfect girlfriend.  
  
Rory Gilmore.  
  
She was my everything.  
  
But that I didn't tell a single soul.  
  
I was afraid.  
  
Afraid of everything that had to do with feelings.  
  
I was afraid that if I showed my true self, people could hurt me even more.  
  
I'm a big failure.  
  
I have messed everything up.  
  
My education.  
  
My relationship with Rory.  
  
I didn't even tell her that I was leaving town.  
  
For good.  
  
I guess she hates me now.   
  
More and more for every day that goes by without me calling her.  
  
I have found myself going to the beach at night, sitting on this swing.  
  
At the same night I first came here to Venice, I went here to the beach.  
  
That night I was almost suicidal.  
  
I almost walked out to the water and drowned myself.  
  
But I didn't.  
  
I just stood near the water and stared out in to the emptiness for what seemed to be several hours.  
  
I wanted to scream out Rory's name, but I knew it wouldn't help.  
  
The only thing that keeps me alive is my books. I flee in to their worlds whenever I get the chance. It's books and the smell of coffee that reminds me of Rory.  
  
Sometimes it feels like I will find her standing behind some bookshelf in my favourite bookstore, with her nose in a book.  
  
I have dreamt about her every night since I came to Stars Hollow and I still do.  
  
But they aren't all pleasant dreams.  
  
Some is about Rory dying.  
  
And some is about me coming back to Stars Hollow and she hates me.  
  
I stare at the black water, the lights from the night clubs behind me reflects in the water.  
  
I begin having trouble keeping my eyes open and I yawn loudly.  
  
I sigh and rise from the swing. As I start walking towards Jimmy's house my thoughts falls on Luke.  
  
I have let him down.  
  
He believed in me just as much as Rory did.  
  
He thought I could be whatever I wanted to be.  
  
He was there for me from day one.  
  
Luke's the only one I can see as a father to me, even though he isn't.  
  
I never thought I would say this but, I miss him almost as much as I miss Rory.  
  
After Rory he's the one that knows me the best.  
  
Sometimes, at day it feels like I'm going insane.  
  
As I walk on the streets I always think that I see Rory, or that I hear her calling after for me.  
  
But it's never her that I see and it's never her that I hear either.  
  
I am nothing without Rory. It's like she's my oxygen.  
  
There's no joy in my life anymore.  
  
I don't remember smiling or laughing one single time since I came here.  
  
Sasha has noticed that something is troubling me.  
  
She asked me once if there was someone I had left behind when I came here.  
  
I didn't have to say a thing. She understood anyway that there was a girl.  
  
Woman intuition.   
  
She left me alone and didn't say anything more about it.  
  
I have a constant battle going on inside of me.   
  
It's between my heart and my head. My head tells me to forget about her, but my heart tell me not to.  
  
I pass by a payphone and I glance it, thinking that I maybe should call Rory.   
  
I walk a bit from it until I turn around and walks back to the payphone.  
  
I pick it up and start dialing the number to her cellphone. I wait and after a short while she answer it.  
  
She says hello and ask who it is. I don't say a thing to her.  
  
I don't have the guts to speak.  
  
I, Jess Mariano don't have the guts to speak to a girl.   
  
The problem is that she's THE girl.  
  
The girl I'm in love with.  
  
And if I would say something she would probably hang up.  
  
I can hear Lorelai asking her who it is and Rory says that she doesn't know.  
  
Rory says hello several times more until she hangs up.  
  
After a while I hang up too and I begin walking again.  
  
When I arrive at Jimmy's house I walk quietly to my room.  
  
I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.  
  
I begin dreaming about Rory once again.  
  
To be continued............ 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Poor young man's heart (chapter 2)  
  
Author: Linn (linnrothenhotmail.com)  
  
Rating: G  
  
Category: Angst/Romance  
  
Paring: R/J  
  
Spoilers: See first chapter  
  
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where.  
  
Disclaimer: Gilmore Girls, Rory and Jess belong to WB and Amy Sherman-Palladino.  
  
Authors note: English is not my first language, so spelling/grammar mistakes may occur.  
  
Title from a song by Kristoffer Åström.  
  
Summary: This fic begins a few weeks after the "Here comes the son" episode.   
  
I suck at summaries. Rory's graduation hasn't happened yet.   
  
Read and you will se what goes round in Jess head and what he will do....  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Remembering  
  
Soft grey ghosts crawl up my sleeve  
  
to peer into my eyes  
  
While I within deny their threats   
  
and answer them with lies.  
  
Mushlike memories perform  
  
a ritual on my lips  
  
I lie in stolid hopelessness  
  
and the lay my soul in strips."  
  
Poem written by Maya Angelou  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
The following day Sasha woke me up early.  
  
My eyes felt heavy from the few hours of sleep.  
  
I had dreamt about Rory again.  
  
It was about the accident.  
  
No joy there.  
  
Pain and suffering all over again.  
  
She shouldn't have given the keys to me that evening.  
  
I wasn't looking at the road.  
  
It was my entire fault.  
  
It was my fault that she got hurt.  
  
I remember that I took her cell-phone and dialed 911.  
  
As we were waiting I sat with her in my arms and just looked at her,  
  
with tears in my eyes  
  
Unable to do anything for her.  
  
Helpless.  
  
The last thing I wanted was to hurt her.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
A few hours later I'm out on the streets again.  
  
I walk slowly to a bookstore,   
  
trying to enjoy the warm sun and the people I pass by.  
  
My mind flies back to Stars Hollow.  
  
I think of what she might be doing right now.  
  
I look at my watch, twelve o'clock.  
  
She has lunch.  
  
She is probably reading a book as she eats,   
  
it's a typical thing for her to do.  
  
I smile by the thought of her.  
  
I miss her.  
  
I miss her so badly.  
  
And Luke.  
  
Luke is busy serving the lunch crowd by now.  
  
I don't know how he will manage.  
  
He is probably freaking out because Kirk or Taylor is giving him a hard time.  
  
I want to go back, but I can't.  
  
I made a deal with Luke.  
  
If I graduated I could have stayed.  
  
But if I didn't graduate I had to leave.  
  
And I didn't graduate and I left.  
  
For once I did what I was told.  
  
------------------------------------------  
  
At the bookstore I feel more relaxed than I had been for several days.  
  
I found myself searching for books by Jane Austen, one of Rory's favorite authors.  
  
I shake my head and start searching for something I like.  
  
After exiting the bookstore I sit down on a nearby bench.  
  
I take a deep breath and I feel the smell of coffee.  
  
Rory pops up in my head again.  
  
The angel in disguise.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
When I get back to Jimmy's house an envelope lies on the counter.  
  
I pick it up and I see that it has my name written on it.  
  
I rip it open.  
  
It's a letter from Luke.  
  
He wonders how I am and what I'm doing.  
  
At the bottom it says: "Rory's graduating on the 24th of July."  
  
24th of July.  
  
Rory's graduation.  
  
I can't be more proud.  
  
That's something I want to do.  
  
I want to do something that would make Rory proud of ME.  
  
But when will that happen?  
  
There's no hope for me.  
  
I fold the letter and I put it in my pocket.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Letters.  
  
I have written hundreds of them to Rory, but I have never sent them.  
  
It's like what she did to me once, before we got together.  
  
She kissed me two weeks before she went to Washington for almost the entire summer.  
  
She told me that she wrote me letters, but she that never sent them.  
  
And now I'm doing the same.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Returning.  
  
Every day I ask myself, should I return to Stars Hollow or should I stay here?  
  
Everything inside of me tells me to return, but I'm afraid.  
  
Afraid of what people would think, despite the fact that I have never cared about that before.  
  
I'm also afraid of what SHE would think.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Hope is something that I don't have anymore.  
  
Hope that she will take me back one day.  
  
I doubt it. After the way I have treated her.  
  
She has probably found someone new by the time I get back, when that now will be.  
  
She deserves someone that is honest to her and doesn't treat her like shit all the time.  
  
Before I met Rory I didn't know what love was, I believed that it didn't even exist.  
  
But now I know.  
  
My old "friends" in New York would probably say that I had gone crazy if they heard me.  
  
My heart isn't hard as stone anymore; it's softer now.  
  
Before I had high walls built around my heart,   
  
but somehow Rory found a way to touch the inner parts of me and   
  
knocked the walls down so easily.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I remember when Rory and I were on a picnic.  
  
It was after I had bidden on her basket.  
  
At first I only started bidding because I thought it was fun to irritate Dean.  
  
But then I thought that it would be nice to spend some time with Rory alone.  
  
We went to the bridge, the only place that I liked in Stars Hollow at the time.  
  
I began eating the food she had packed.  
  
A while later I had finished and we started talking about books.  
  
I found out that she loved Ayn Rand's book "The Fountainhead",   
  
a book that I absolutely hated.  
  
She hated everything that Hemingway had written, but I loved Hemingway's writing.  
  
An hour later we went to the bookstore.  
  
I enjoyed every minute there with her.  
  
Later we went and grabbed a pizza, and then she went home.  
  
Also later that night she called me and I asked her to explain The Fountainhead for me.  
  
That's a day I will always treasure.   
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I walk into my room.  
  
I reach for a picture in my pocket, a picture of Rory in her school uniform.  
  
It was a little bit torned out in the edges,   
  
but her beauty still remained.  
  
I let my fingers slide over the picture,   
  
as if she was there at the moment and I was touching her very face.  
  
But will that ever be?  
  
I don't know.  
  
Maybe I will never ever see her again.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I feel now that my life is only standing still.  
  
I'm going nowhere.  
  
Maybe I should do what Luke told me.  
  
Take the last year all over again.  
  
After all, I'm not doing anything useful with my time.  
  
I'm just reading books, helping Jimmy out sometimes, listening to music and taking pity on myself.  
  
I sit up in my bed and I cover my face with my hands.  
  
I drag my hands through my hair and I rise and walk out of my room.  
  
Sasha and Jimmy are still working and Lily is at school.  
  
Then I remembered that I was going to pick up Lily after school.  
  
Her school is far from Jimmy's house.  
  
A halv mile to be exact.  
  
I hurry out to Jimmy's car and when I'm finally on the road, I put on some music.  
  
I stare at the road and keep driving.  
  
When I reach the school Lily is already waiting for me outside.  
  
She gives me an angry look and gets in the car.  
  
Lily reminds me of Rory.  
  
Her brown hair.  
  
And her joy of books.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
When we got back to Jimmy's and Sasha's house Lily got out of the car and rushed inside.  
  
When I came inside Lily was nowhere to be found,   
  
she had probably grabbed a book and gone to her cabinet.  
  
I walked into my room once again and sat down on my bed.  
  
I held the picture of Rory in my hand yet again and stared out of the window.  
  
"Who's that?" Lily suddenly said behind me.  
  
"It's none of your business."  
  
But she didn't want to let it go, she was to curious.  
  
"She's very pretty. Is she from the place where you lived before?"  
  
I turned to her.  
  
"Lily, get out!" I said and pointed to the door.  
  
"Fine." She said and walked out.   
  
After a while I heard Jimmy come in.  
  
I could hear Lily great him and they talked.  
  
I grabbed a book and started reading.  
  
A few hours later I woke up.  
  
When I came out to the living room Sasha was sitting on the couch, watching the news.  
  
I asked where Jimmy was and she told me that he was on the phone with someone she didn't know.  
  
I watched some TV.  
  
A while later I went out to the kitchen to get a soda,   
  
but just as I was about to enter I heard Jimmy talking.  
  
"Yeah, okay. When was it?"  
  
He listened to the other person on the phone.  
  
"Okay, I will let him know." Jimmy said and hung up.  
  
I walked in.  
  
"Who where you talking to?"  
  
"Your mom."  
  
"You talked to Liz? I thought you hated each other."  
  
I took out a soda out of the refrigerator.  
  
"Well, she was the one who called me." He said.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Luke told Liz that he had your car."  
  
"He has it? I thought it had been stolen."  
  
"Well, maybe he had his reasons."  
  
"Yeah. I should go there and get it. I can catch the bus in the morning." I said.  
  
"Oh no you don't, I'm getting you a plane ticket to the airport nearest to Stars Hollow."  
  
"You don't have to..."  
  
"No, but I want to."  
  
"You shouldn't, I can pay for myself."  
  
"Please, let me pay for it."  
  
"Okay, but only if you let me pay you back."   
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine." I said and went back to my room.  
  
This was the reason for me to finally go back to Stars Hollow.  
  
To find my way back to Rory.  
  
But still, I don't expect her to welcome me with open arms.  
  
I expect her to hate me and I think she hates me.  
  
After all I have lied to her and I have let her down.  
  
Why shouldn't she hate me?  
  
I was going back to Stars Hollow.  
  
The place I had once hated after being sent there against my will.  
  
Now I loved that place, but only for one reason.  
  
Because Rory is there.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I didn't sleep at all that night.  
  
I only waited for the night to end and for the sun to break through so the day would begin.  
  
When the day finally arrived I ate breakfast and gathered the things I had packed.  
  
Jimmy drove me to the airport,   
  
he gave me my plane ticket and we headed for the gate.  
  
"So..." I said.  
  
"So..." Jimmy said.  
  
"I should go aboard."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
An awkward silence fell upon us.  
  
"Well, I will see you in a couple of days then." I said.  
  
"Take your time, bye."   
  
"Bye." I said and walked aboard.  
  
I took out a book from my bag and sat down on my place.  
  
Fifteen minutes later the plane was finally in the air.  
  
Now I was going back to the place I had once left in shame.  
  
I knew that I would go back and face the angry people of Stars Hollow,   
  
those who where angry at me for hurting their little princess, Rory.  
  
I was on my way...  
  
To be continued...  
  
Please review!!!!  
  
AN: I don't know how many chapters this fic will be,  
  
but hopefully it will be at least four chapters. 


End file.
